What did I do to take care of myself when all of a sudden I found myself in a primary caregiver role? I scheduled a lot of support in advance knowing that I could not possibly handle the emotional and physical demands of full time care on top of existing family and work needs.

Here are a few things that I felt were incredibly supportive:

• I asked 3 women to come over and deep clean the living room and the kitchen prior to the arrival of family/friends.
• I said yes to a meal train and felt nourished by hearty meals (and gained 5 pounds!).

• I/we met with a lawyer to ensure that our wills were up to date.
• I welcomed prayer and thoughts for a successful surgery and holding our family in love and light.
• I reached out to friends and family through texts, emails, and calls to keep me grounded.
• I practiced breathing and centering especially while overnight in the hospital.
• I made a point to lay on the earth, take my warm baths, tend to the chickens and dogs, and to focus on daily chores-dishes, watering plants, laundry.
• I let the nurses take care of Pete and although I stayed in the hospital, I got the best sleep I could given the circumstances and disruptions.

We had approximately two months to prepare for major surgery–lots of time and yet we had plenty to get in order–there would be no rest.

And yes, I knew what I should do and yet I still found myself drained and overwhelmed. Period. Not surprisingly, I took on some of Pete’s pain. What would I do differently? I’m not sure anything. When you are in the thick of things there are no “should’s”. My natural tendency came out to care for Pete–to ease whatever pain he was experiencing, to be there to reassure him that he is not alone, and to remind him that he is supported in welcoming/exploring all that this kind of surgery might awaken within himself. That consideration and care is what I would want for me.

But for me, managing day to day family and home care, communications to friends and family, financial responsibilities, and letting go of the non essentials of the BH’s business and marketing meant vigilance. I would have to let anything non-essential fall away. I would need to be ok with a messy kitchen and house. The boys would need to step up and support one another. I just couldn’t hold everything. I was holding space for whatever would happen–including the possibility of death–after all, we were warned that no one really knows what will happen until the surgeon goes in. Stopping the heart and deflating the lungs is a big deal. Traumatic. So, in the most raw way, I got to trust, let go and surrender. I got to draw on the many times I have actually prepared for this moment through regular breath work, yoga practices and the trainings of Reiki and Healing Touch. I had tools and techniques and I would be putting those to work.

Nothing could prepare me though for witnessing the chaos of post surgery/ICU care. Or the “dips” in recovery process, especially the week immediately following discharge from the cardiac step down unit with episodes of A-fib. I would be tested. There would be no room for anything but courage. His healing and my healing blending together. Caregiving for a loved one, I was warned, is difficult and challenging because lines of professional care are often blurred with emotions and strong opinions. Exhausted in all ways, I could understand completely.

Part of my care was also understanding that there is not a one size fits all approach to self care or soul care. What I find comforting and nourishing is not necessarily what Pete does, so when Pete reached for the hospital menu with delight, I wasn’t really surprised and I thought ok honey whatever you need to get better despite my belief in “food as medicine”. I challenged the food choices; I asked about what pharmaceuticals were needed and why; but in my heart, I knew I must continually make room for curiosity and acceptance– a willingness to surrender to the wisdom of those in charge and make space for comfort with the unknown. I learned that filtering information/advice from the nurses and the doctors could help me manage my own energy better. I learned to be discerning about where I put my time and energy.

So for the 4+ hour scheduled “routine” open heart valve repair surgery I could have left the hospital and worked out, picked up some food, gone to work, or picked up a good book. I could have…but really? Not a chance I could quiet and focus my mind on anything but my breath, as if I had any control over the outcome of the surgery. I stayed close by because the nurses were going to give me regular updates and because a part of me maybe thought that being close by would make me feel more comfortable and I would be there to see the doctors face as he came to report on the surgery. I wanted reassurance. I opened my heart to the surgical team. I trusted. I prayed for a favorable outcome. I worried and I nervously waited. It seemed forever before I got word I could see him in ICU.

I would hear “he’s doing great” and I could relax a little but not all the way. Things moved quickly for a while–adjusting meds and watching monitors for signs of distress. I listened hard to what the nurses were saying; I questioned the doctor; I leaned on family and friends; I befriended the process and in doing so, felt a sense of comfort and empowerment. I was advocating and learning and growing. I could appreciate that Pete would need the expertise of what the surgeon could bring, the life giving blood that others had donated, and time to heal with meds and other specialists.

Self-care was not seeing clients during all of this intensity. I blocked out time knowing that I could not be present for others during this acute post surgery period. Now that things are more “stable” I am now back to my practice and my daily self-care regimen. Sleep, good food, time outside, time with the boys, and laying on treatment tables all play a big part in my ongoing recovery. I wouldn’t wish this type of journey on anyone, but I was on a tremendous learning curve seizing the opportunity to grow in so many ways. I am grateful for the teachings and the intense hands on experience. I celebrate the daily improvements Pete is making. I have gratitude for all the love, interest, and support that has come and continues to come.

I hope to have more opportunities to assist others preparing for or recovering from surgery. Reiki/Healing Touch benefited me and Pete by creating a quiet stillness for deep listening. I have learned tons about this harmonizing and balancing organ of perception–the beautiful heart (which btw is not just a pump) –and will cherish the gift of knowing intimately how I can live out of my heart in new ways! I am in awe of the many skilled doctors and nurses I met who taught me so much about life and compassionate care. All that I have witnessed recently is humbling. I find myself reflective and bathing in the warmth, nourishment, appreciation for community, science, energy work, the body’s innate desire for healing, the power of pain, the role of attitude, faith, and self care! Blessed am I!

Blair