I sat in a contemplative mindfulness meditation practice the past two weekends to explore and deepen my relationship to the “great” transition of death. I entered the Willow Farm Zendo last Saturday morning a little late (had to stop for a stray cow on the road in rural Hygiene, CO). I entered the room to a number of sitting students, and I awkwardly found an empty cushion and tried to settle as quickly and quietly as possible and realized my bulky jacket, shoes and cell phone were on—items I would have left outside if I had been thinking.

I felt this Zen Buddhist workshop on conscious dying with all its teachings would calm my fears and give me practical practices to hold space for those in my life that were facing their own brushes with mortality/life transitions/grief. Little did I know how life changing this time would be, and how differently I would leave the retreat space some 35+hours later. Sacred space was lovingly created for meditations and exercises to engage my mind on the practice of the unknowing mind and the art of dropping into presence again and again.

After my father’s death, I had a realization that I wanted to be more active in my death process and to have my affairs in order. That is no small task as I have been considering all the details for awhile now—not in a morbid sense but to actually free myself from the gripping fear and realization that I will die too (as will all those I love). I experience fear and urgency around end of life circumstances and this ultimate letting go or letting be is not easy for me as I like a certain amount of control in my world. My relationship to dying is and has been my teacher and a main part of my healing journey. I am reflecting on the people I sat with — so very wise and their sharing so deeply personal. The intensity of sharing our vulnerabilities touches me in ways that are hard to speak to, but the essence is uplifting and inspiring and clarifying. And at the end of the time together, I can say that sitting in the mystery of the biggest transition I/we will all make in community is actually really quite joyful.

“How do I want to die?” and “Have I thought about my wishes in such a way as to not burden those I love with having to decide for me what they think I want?” are two central questions that I’m facing. More importantly, having a sitting practice and having given some thought to this enormous contemplation has dramatically altered the way I can hold space for my Reiki clients.

Death is a difficult subject on a good day for me. So, at the end of a long reflective, introspective, noble-silence weekend, I made a seemingly unthinking statement of finality with a single toss of my zufon meditation pillow. Yes, I saw an empty meditation pillow and like a frisbee I tossed it onto the floor where it landed with a huge thud to the shock and surprise of the Zen teachers in the room. I could hear them say, “Did she just do that?” Yes. I did in a moment of mindlessness. Unintentionally, it created a moment of wakefulness and humor in an otherwise very heavy and information filled intensive retreat. A human moment.

Recently my bath salts, lip balms, and breast oil products have been added to the small curation of items available at The Natural Funeral in Lafayette, CO. This independent funeral home provides exquisite, holistic, personalized care for end-of-life considerations. I feel supported with Reiki-infused products that are clean and simple — bringing nature closer to me when I desire more groundedness and centeredness in life.

I will continue to study, practice and serve with my heart and deep listening skills so that I can show up for myself and my clients* in the most authentic way—touching these topics and being able to maintain presence is my work. I am grateful for these precious moments and to bear witness to pain and suffering and loss along with joy and deeper understandings in the mystery of life and death. Working with the unknown is my teacher. I bow to the unfolding and thank you all for being in my life.

* practitioner/client relationship—I envision the relationship as more of a partnership with those individuals seeking and discovering meaning and purpose in their lives. My mindset? I see clients as fellow seekers, not followers. I encourage and support both small moments of change and larger transformational opportunities. I hold space for whatever arises. For more information on my work, please read about my Reiki Practice and new perspectives.