I hear my name announced as the next singer and then it feels like a blur. No time for nerves as I head to the steps at the side of the stage. It is my turn, and now I am holding the microphone. I look to the keyboardist to set the tempo (not really sure of what I am doing; and to get reminded of the first few words of the song and the bell tone), and I’m off and running through my numbers. I sing two songs that are meant to showcase my personality and stretch me vocally– “River of Dreams” by Billy Joel and “Dreams” by the Cranberries. (They were suggested because of my love for exploring dream time). And then I am off the stage before I know it and the next singer is introduced and steps up.

It had been weeks of class working these two songs, and I spent a good amount of time reflecting on my performance. For what ever reason, I just didn’t feel like I had a good show but couldn’t quite put my finger on why.  I had a certain expectation for myself, and I know that something was different from the previous show six months ago. But from my family, friends, neighbors who came out that night and the others in the group, the feedback was quite different. “You sang your heart out!”  “You looked like you had so much fun!”  “The energy just moves through you—I am inspired!” I let that sink in.

I am my biggest critic. There is a part of me that really doesn’t know what I am doing–where I want to go with a song, why I am singing a song, or how to “let the song sing me.” It is hard to believe but I can’t remember what I just sang or said. I really need reflection from trusted classmates. Because it is hard for me to sense what I am doing, I have to fully open to trust and that is quite scary for me. No matter how much I have practiced, there is much to integrate, and I would occasionally find myself blanking on lyrics or not feeling secure in the key of the song and straining to hit the high notes. Sometimes I would stop in the middle of the song, disgusted with myself and ready to give up and in tears. The class and the skill of the teacher would be instrumental in guiding me back to a place of empowerment and confidence…back and back again working the song so that I would have that moment on stage where I could say that I gave it my all and conquered that part in myself that ever doubted.

In our debrief a week after the show, I would hear myself speak to the lessons I learned about managing and moving with my determination, vulnerability, courage and grief–balancing my inner and outer life. The hours before the show were filled with spaciousness but also preoccupation with what I would wear — how to keep myself from getting run down, etc. I was then asked to speak to the goals for myself moving forward. I expressed a desire to be better able to find my own songs and also be more satisfied with my process in the journey — not just with the performance. I want to tap into how singing is a giving of myself. I want to be less worried about what others may think.

And in time, I can really celebrate the stretches and the growth that occurred inside my head and heart. As difficult as it is to name, the opportunity to touch places inside in the safety of a class that understands the importance of sacred inner work is something I will always cherish. The space created is one of sincere appreciation and respect for the individual struggle and the group as a whole. I learned so much from witnessing and holding my classmates in their joys.

I will continue with this work because it is profound and it is self love and self discovery. It is not easy work, but really rewarding. When I think of those who so wonderfully come out to witness me and see a part of me that I don’t really highlight or promote (I am unsure of in myself), I am grateful! I feel the inspiration with the creative process that is so important to me to stay connected to.